hotel room ftw
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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