you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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