Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
