saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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