Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
