I just cut my nipple shaving
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
