so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
