Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I want to fling myself into the sun
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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