I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
