If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
