I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize