Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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