i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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