I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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