my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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