So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
