I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
