Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize