I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
