apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
