i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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