I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize