how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
