she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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