this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
