the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
