This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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