I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
