I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
