So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
