if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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