her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i drank out of a bidet.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize