White coat. Heels.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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