I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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