dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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