my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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