My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
