walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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