booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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