maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
