Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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