the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
