planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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