dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I need to sanitize my soul.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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