Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
