I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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