I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
