Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
