If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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