Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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