U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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