It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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