Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
