Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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