i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
