Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
