Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
