I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
