OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
