Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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