If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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