So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
