It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
