Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
