i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
