remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i think i just lost a toe
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
