And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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