I wish I could teleport
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize