1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My hand turned me down
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
