Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
